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うつうつに

以外に図太く強い自分がいる。
何も考えたくないから、考えないようにしている。
それも自己防衛か。
何気に笑い、仕事に励み、至極普通にしている。
けれど、周囲の一言に聞き耳をたて、
自分へと違う扱いに、
自分が入っていけない悔しさに、
ここに追いやられたふがいなさに、
黙っている自分のなさけなさに、
憤りを感じている。他人に。自分に。
何時からだろうか。結構長い間抱いている思いだったりする。
自分の辛抱強さに関心し、
他人の頑固さに辟易しつつ、自分の方が頑固だったりする。
以外に図太く強い自分がいる。
こんなに酷い仕打ちを受けて、と思っているのに、
一見普通。最近、泣いていない。
本当は、それが情けなく、ふがいない。
殴ってやりたいくせに、YAYAYA!
そう、表面の強がりとは裏腹に、すごく弱いのが素の自分。
自分に言い訳して、他人を羨み、囚われている。
愚痴り始めたら、とめどなくなりそうだから、本心をあかさない。
それは卑屈なプライド。
ちっぽけな自分。このままだと消えてしまいそうだ。
そうならないように、YAYAYA!

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